10 March 2011

the thoughts keep on wandering in my head today
so i thought by writing it out, i can shake it off my head...

I've been pretty much left behind and forgotten by my friends
i dont know their chat topic
they went for movie without asking me
they study together
they chit chat together
and im pretty lonely
 it makes me wonder if all the commitments worth it for letting my friendships go
it makes me wonder what is more important in my life

and then i realised that sometimes people who i thought they are bad,
but somehow they are nice to me
while people who i treated them with my sincere heart,
it seems like i didnt get the same back
the world is weird with all the unpredictable human inhabiting on it

and then i pray,
praying deep inside my heart that everything will be fine soon
praying that god will grant me my wishes, though i know that im being greedy
praying that the world will be merry again

human are weird i think
because even me myself dont know myself well

i thought im gonna be sad, unhappy for some reasons
but im not
i thought that might be the chance that i can grab, and hold it tightly in my palm, never let it go
but it turns out that i dont even bother to grab it

perhaps thats the lesson of life, which last for a lifetime
we learn to adapt to changes, or we get left behind
we learn to make everything happened as an inspiration for life betterment

and now what i learned is, not to take things seriously, so that i can let it go when its not here for me anymore, so that i'm not gonna live in miserable life just for something which is not meant for me...

The King's Speech
21

My Life

people spend part of their life wondering
and i do spend most of my life wondering
wondering why i'm here, why i'm doing this,
wondering if i truly want this
wondering which road to be taken, and never look back, never regret
wondering if i'm on the right path now

if these wonders help?
even if i realised that one of my wonder turns up with the negative side?
do i have the bravery to make a big u-turn of my life?
i dont think so
perhaps im just a coward?

things with friends didnt going on so well recently
but im wondering if friends to be chosen, or a career to be chosen
i dont know

its weird that i am not as sad as i thought i would be
just a little lonely creep inside my heart


Kindle Wireless Reading Device, Wi-Fi, Graphite, 6" Display with New E Ink Pearl Technology

The Complications

I am getting tired of all the complication of human
I am getting sick of it
Why should people make this merry world so complicated, all dirty with the sins
Things could be so easy if we choose the way to be it
I am sick with the sins of human
The thief, the fakers, the bitches, the COLD ones...
They make me feel like diminishing among these awful people
Why should hatred should grow between people
Why we don't love each other
Love seems to be the solution of everything
Just a bit more caring, a bit more sharing
But seems like this only exist in fairy tales
I just wanna be myself, not to be moved by these awful dirty people around me, just be myself, not to be changed by them...

Family is always the last resort for many problems...

Family is the only one who will stay by your side when there's problem,
share your joy without any jealousy or hard feelings when you good
listen to the crappy nags,
and stay behind you to support you no matter what...
That's the kind of love i'm seeking around me, besides my family...

Update

Things don't seems to be on the right track recently..

all the things keep on coming all together

i am nearly suffocated in this place

for once i can release my mind and soul from this evil place

but then when the time is up

i will have to go back to the reality

continue to struggle to survive

until that day when the emo-ness came,

no one is by my side

all those by my side don't seems to be supportive

then i broke down and cried as much as i wish

with a little childish hope that the bad things will go away together with my tears

and then, i prayed to god..

when things seems to be out of control

i can only pray

hoping the better ones will come to me

Korea!

Korea had stole my heart away right on he first day we arrived.. Not to say we went to visit many places.. Indeed, there are many places where i wished to go but didn't go for this time.. We went to places to shop the most and spend a lot..

The Koreans are so nice and friendly. Guess its their nature to treat people with such huge passion. I just simply feels nice to be with them. No wonder the guys are so into the korean girls. Even me myself is so much in love with them..

Thats the end of the nice stories..

The most priceless experience is that.. we missed our flight.. We didnt know that the check in counter here close 1 hour before boarding, instead we arrived here 45 minutes before, which is malaysia's system. We arrived just in time by subway, as the road had a massive jam due to a road accident. The counter was closed and the officer refused to help us..

The good thing is that the airline officer is kind enough to let us change our flight time to the next day with no extra charges. But anyhow, we wasted one day here and my whole study plan is ruined. I can't imagine how's my life gonna be when i get back to malaysia. Its gonna be really really busy that I have to make choices between something which i'd love to do both. I hate this.

The Brink

The stress comes immediately at the very first day of class after cny

I dont know whether is the kiasu-ness

or its the high expectations from others

or its the high expectation to myself

or its that im over-estimating the stress coping ability of mine

or its that the low self esteem

I just feel like giving up

giving up my life

giving up all the problem

and just run away and hide

But I know, its impossible

its just a thought, a dream that will never ever be realised,

its just a very greedy thought

a very irrational and illogical thought

I know

I just need something for me to be my hope

Something, to guide me to the bright side of my life, no matter how tough it seems to be now

Or someone to tell me everything will be fine soon, to tell me not to give up,

or just to grab my hand, and run.. run away from all the problems.. everything, and never look back.

but again.. it appeared to be just another greedy thought

everyone is selfish over here

when there's problem, everyone will just focus on their problem,

no one cares, no one wants to waste their time, just to lend me their ears

they come and say hi, and then say bye and leave when they feel to do so

I am at the brink of collapsing...

The Chinese New Year in 2011

The CNY 2011 is the most inspiring one. Instead of keep on eating and sleeping and idle-ing non stop, i've been thinking a lot.

The very first day, we all dressed up, just like every year, we went to the temple, but we no longer pray in the temple, we took photos and photos outside the temple, thats the new tradition. And then we went to the tea estate for brunch, again, the new tradition. And then, we went to a former church, now a convent school to take photos. It might be the last photo-shooting time with sister on CHU 1. She's getting married this year, she can't come back for chinese new year with us next year, the year after, and the year after and the year after... I hate this chinese tradition.

The second day, again we dressed up and went to the same spot for photo-shooting, as memories. We went for a walk to my old house, where i used to live in since i was born until i was 7 years old. Things remained unchanged. The only thing that had changed is me, grown up, and everything there seems to be smaller than what i remembered.

The third day, the most memorable one. I got food poison! Got fever and vomiting since morning, went to the clinic for an injection to stop the vomit, but didn't got better. End up, I eat nothing but porridge and milo for the whole day, then vomit them out. I did nothing but stay in the bed whole day, controlling the vomit. Great. Whether its good or bad? The sickest cny, but i didnt gained weight, lose weight instead.

This CNY, clearly shown the children had all grown up, the adults are aging. We used to drink and get drunk during cny, all the adults, and children used to play kids games.

But this year, its totally different. The adult didn't drink because their body can't afford them to do so. The children didn't play kids games, but they gamble.

I missed the way we used to celebrate cny.

The thing remained unchanged is, there's still a lot of gossips in the big house, with a lot of people. Which is not a good thing. Shouldn't we as a family love each other?

However, the world change, things change, people change.

Everyone moved on, so we too should move on.

Learn to accept and adapt to changes.